


A Friend

by innusiq



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, Episode Related, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-02-28
Updated: 2000-02-28
Packaged: 2018-11-10 23:04:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11136450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innusiq/pseuds/innusiq
Summary: Fraser feels responsible for the death of a friend.





	A Friend

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

A Friend

## A Friend

by Innusiq

Author's notes: Comments are welcomed.

* * *

Rating: PG  
Pairing: Fraser/Vecchio  
WARNING: Death story (Please don't let this keep you from reading) Archive: yes, please  
This will be uploaded to the hexwood archive. Comments are welcomed. 

A Friend   
by: Jenny Hill 

Fraser stared out the window after the jeep as it trailed its way from the cabin. Snow was falling as it always did at this time of year, clearing the slate so to speak. He had seen this scene a million times in his life and yet it still captivated him. It was a calming sight, the snow covering up what had just happened in his life. Maybe this melancholy he was feeling was caused from his years spent in Chicago or maybe it was from the loss of a close friend. 

The jeep was out of sight now and Fraser turned his attention to the item he held in his hands. He knew it far to well and the memory of when he had given it to his friend hurt him even more. The leather hoop was a bit worn from their travels and his friend's insistence on holding it up in the dark of night with only the moonlight to look at it with but the intricate webbing in the center of the hoop and the eagle feather were still in tacked. The dream catcher was suppose to be Ray Vecchio's birthday gift but when that day came, Ray Vecchio or at least the person he had come to know as Ray Vecchio was gone and in his place was this man. His replacement was a man who became Fraser's new partner and friend and now that man was gone. 

Who would have thought this would happen? Who would have thought it would end this way? They had left Chicago on the trail of a mother's killer and stayed for an adventure. The one, more skilled at surviving in the arctic and the other, better at handling the city life. Together they were off to have the time of their lives but now only one remained. 

Fraser retreated from the window and took a seat in the armchair a few steps away. He relaxed in the chair, resting his head against its back, closed his eyes and sighed. He knew he should have gone with his sister but he couldn't face them. He couldn't face the parents of the man whose death he felt responsible for. 

"Fraser?" 

Fraser didn't open his eyes for he who was there with him. He knew who was there and he wasn't ready to face him yet. "Oh please tell me this isn't happening." 

"Fraser . . . I'm sorry." 

At the utterance of an apology, Fraser's head straightened and he opened his eyes. It was happening, again. "You're sorry? Why should you be sorry? You're the one who is dead . . . I can't believe I'm talking to you, yet another ghost or have I actually lost my mind this time?" 

The apparition of the former Chicago cop known as Stanley Raymond Kowalski was standing in front of his friend and oddly, he was smiling. "Fraser, I assumed you lost that a long time ago so you can't go losin' it again. And what's with this ghost thing? You been talking to ghosts before?" 

"Never mind," Fraser said as he closed his eyes again, hoping his friend would be gone when he opened them but he was still present. 

"Your dad, huh?" Stan started walking around Maggie's living room taking in the sights he never had the pleasure of seeing while alive. 

"Yes," Fraser answered simply hoping this conversation and visitation would end soon. Seeing his friend so full of life, right in front of him made Fraser feel confounded. 

"He seems like a good man," Stan commented as he came to a stop in front of a mirror and was shocked by the lack of a reflection, "Woah." 

"You've seen him?" Fraser asked and for the first time he sounded like he had an interest in talking with the ghost. 

"Yes, he's the one who pointed me in the right direction . . . seems you need a little help here." 

Fraser sighed audibly. "Please tell me you're not planning on haunting me like my father did . . . I couldn't bare it now." Fraser stood up and moved closer to his friend and examined him closely. "You look good Ray." 

"Thanks Frase but as I said, I am only here to help you." 

"That is what he had said too." Fraser turned and walked back to the window to watch the falling snow. He tried ignoring his friend but couldn't. 

"Is it so bad . . . me helping you that is? I mean you helped me all the time back in Chicago. I would like to repay the favors." Stan walked over to where Fraser stood and the view was breathtaking. "It is beautiful up here isn't it?" 

"Yes it is Ray . . . Are you trying to get even with me?" 

"Even? Fraser no, I'm here to help you, geez. Please don't blame yourself for what happened. I was the one who fell into the crevasse, me and me alone. You didn't push me, nor point me in its direction. I took off on my own and that... well . . . that's all she wrote. Ya would've thought I learned my lesson from the first time." Ray had to laugh at that for the irony of the situations. 

"You don't understand Ray." Fraser looked Ray in the eyes for the first time and Ray could see he was drained; the weight of the accident weighed heavy on Fraser's soul. 

"What don't I understand Fraser?" 

"If it weren't for me you wouldn't have been there in the first place. If it weren't for me you would still be alive. Everyone I have cared for in life has left me in one way or another. I don't think I could handle another loss in my life . . . and . . ." Fraser trailed off his thoughts and he was shaking as he tried to hold back the tears that were inevitable. 

"And what Fraser?" 

Almost whispering, Fraser replied quivering, "In a strange way . . . I'm glad it was you and I feel even more guilty for that thought." 

Stan was taken back by the words spoken by his friend. "Glad it was me?" 

"Yes." Tears began streaming down Fraser's face and if he could, Stan would have wiped them away. 

"Why?" 

Fraser turned his back on his friend for he couldn't face him as he divulged the information. "Because if it had been . . ." 

"If it had been who Fraser?" 

"If it had been Ray . . . If it had been him . . . I know I would surely die." Fraser had been holding the dream catcher during their entire conversation but when the sobbing began and the strongest man Stan had ever had the pleasure of knowing began to cry, the dream catcher fell to the floor. 

"It's a good thing it was me then, huh Frase?" 

* * *

She sat by herself on the flight to Chicago. The flight wasn't packed and she was grateful for the time alone. Never in her wildest dreams did she expect to be making such a trip alone but she was. She had expected her brother to accompany her back to Chicago for the funeral but when he refused to go, there was no budging him from his decision. That was one trait they shared that had to stem from their father, stubbornness. It was stubbornness that encouraged Fraser to track their father's killers just as it was stubbornness that encouraged Maggie to track the killers of her husband. Fraser stubbornness can come in handy at times but it could also be a death sentence in situations like this. 

Maggie reclined her seat in order to get a few winks of sleep before the funeral the following day. She had been up it seemed since she found out about Stan's death, first mourning for her own loss and then worrying over her brother. He didn't talk much upon his arrival at her cabin and when she mentioned about him coming to Chicago for the funeral, he simply wouldn't answer her and closed himself up in one of the guestrooms. She was truly troubled by his current mental state and didn't want to leave him alone but she knew Diefenbaker would be with him and she was pretty certain the wolf wouldn't let him do anything drastic especially since the Mountie was the wolf's main source for food. 

"Hey Maggie." 

Somehow, she had been expecting this and wasn't surprised or shocked by the appearance of this man. "Hello Ray." 

"I'm sorry for leaving like I did," Stan said as he sat next to Maggie. 

"It's okay Ray, you had no control over your fate." Maggie turned to look at the ghost of the man she truly did love and he looked as wonderful as he did the first day she met him. 

"You think it was fate?" 

"Yes Ray, there is a reason for what happened, there has to be. Don't you agree?" Maggie asked for reassurance and nothing more. 

"Yes Maggie . . . I know there is a reason." Ray gave her a quirky smile and she returned it. 

"What do I have to do Ray?" 

"Bring Ray Vecchio back with you. He's the only one who can help Fraser now." 

"It's not going to be an easy task you know." Maggie had heard the stories of Ray and Canada and she was pretty certain if he did come it would only be kicking and screaming the entire way. 

"I think he may surprise you Maggie." 

"I certainly hope so." 

"Maggie?" Stan looked at Maggie and she was even more beautiful than he remembered. 

"Yes Ray?" 

"You do know that I love you, don't you?" 

"Yes Ray, I do. I love you too." Her smile was radiant and her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. 

"God it's just not fair." Stan twisted in his seat showing his anger at the irony of their situation. 

"Life never is Ray but you will always be a part of me." Maggie so wanted to touch him but there really wasn't anything to touch. All she had now were her memories and the two kisses they shared back in Chicago. 

"Why did I have to waste all that time on a stupid adventure anyway?" 

Maggie smiled understanding his pain. "It was just the way it was meant to be. You had a greater purpose in life and now . . . in your death, you will fulfill another purpose." 

Stan sighed before he spoke. "To help Fraser." 

"Yes Ray, thank you." 

* * *

He had only been back in town but a few hours, arriving early that morning with his friend and business partner Stella Kowalski, ex-wife of the deceased. Even though they had been divorced for five years, she still loved the guy; she just couldn't live with him. His death hit her hard and she appreciated Ray's offered support. Even though it had only been a couple hours, Ray felt like he had never left. It was as if the Las Vegas assignment never occurred and he never fled to Florida, away from fears he couldn't face alone. 

Ray feared Chicago, the only home he knew and it wasn't so much the city he feared but to live in it alone, without his best friend. Fraser was the one person in his life that helped him to understand his own thoughts more clearly. The one person who could pick him up when he was down and make everything okay again. The one person, other than his family, he cared for more then his own life. The one person he loved. 

The funeral service was somber, as if it could be anything else but when the life that was taken had been so vibrant, one expected a little more. At least this one person did. He didn't even know the deceased all that well and at a time he hated him but knew he had been a good man. He was good enough to take on responsibilities of this observer's life no one should ever have been expected to. He was good enough to be accepted as a member of this observer's family. He was good enough to take care of the one person this observer cared for more than life itself. If he was good enough then why was he dead? 

He had only learned about Stanley Raymond Kowalski's existence about a week before he went undercover but refused to meet the guy. There was just something about meeting the guy who was going to take over your place with your family, your friends, your co-workers, your Mountie that unnerved Ray so he opted not to meet him. But he had heard only the highest regards about the man who was to be Ray Vecchio and that was good enough for Ray to take with him on the assignment. That was all Ray needed to know, that someone like Stan was going to take care of everyone while he was gone. 

When he returned though and he finally met Stan, hate was a light term to use. He still didn't even know the man yet he resented him for the year he had. The easy year he had where his life wasn't in danger every single minute of the day. Stan had a life that was happy, full of love and friendship. Ray sometimes to this day still wondered why he took the assignment in the first place and there's no answer for that question. 

But in the short time he had before Stan and Fraser trotted off to Canada after Muldoon, Ray came to understand the younger man. He began to respect him and knew why he was so defensive about not wanting to give up the life or friend he had. Ray would've done the same thing. Anyway, wasn't it Ray, who decided to give up his life and friend for a job boosting assignment? Who was he to keep anyone from doing anything? He shouldn't have had any say in the matter. And so, he let them go, together, to Canada and when they didn't return, he accepted his own fate. 

Ray ran his hand over his shorn head and down his neck as he walked around the Vecchio home trying not to step on any of the mourner's toes. He barely knew half the people in his own home but that didn't bother him so much as the fact that the one person he wouldn't have minded seeing and who he had expected to be there wasn't. Not thinking or maybe more not paying attention to where he was going, Ray bumped into someone. "I'm sorry," he apologized as the woman turned to look at him. Her eyes were beautiful and seemed so familiar. "Excuse me, I didn't see you." 

The woman smiled and that gesture was also too familiar. "It's okay, I've never see this many people in one house," she commented and smiled again. Maggie was overwhelmed with the multitude of people crammed into the average sized home. She never thought she would find Ray Vecchio in the horde of people. 

"You should see it here around Christmas." For some reason, this one woman lightened the mood for Ray and he liked that. "My name is Ray Vecchio, I happen to be one of the actual occupants of this house." Ray offered his hand for a shake. 

Her face brightened with her luck and she took hold of his hand in a firm grasp. "My name is Maggie Mackenzie." 

"Would you like to go out on the porch for a while, this place is a little claustrophobic for even me and I'm use to days like this." Ray gestured to the front door and led Maggie out. Once they were out on the porch Ray sat heavily on the porch swing and sighed audibly loud. 

"Were you a close friend of Ray's?" Maggie asked as she sat down next to him. 

"In a way I guess we were but then again we weren't. Listen, I barely knew the guy but it's a long story." Ray leaned back on the swing and just stared at Maggie. "You seem awfully familiar, have we met before?" 

"No, I can't say we have . . . but then again . . ." Maggie stopped herself before she made a confusing situation even worse. "Ray, I'm Fraser's sister, or half sister would be the proper term." Ray's eyes couldn't get any bigger and she laughed at the sight. "I didn't think he told you." 

"Yeah, well, there wasn't time really . . . sister huh . . . cool." Ray was awestruck by this revelation. 

"He has told me so much about you. I feel I already know you," Maggie said. She too was awestricken and everything her brother had told her about this man was true. He was genuine, polite, caring, charismatic and that she got from his eyes alone. Fraser had told her once that Ray's eyes were the keys to his soul and he was right. 

"Have you seen Fraser since . . . " Ray trailed off not wanting to mention what had happened to Stan. 

"Yes, he is actually back at my place in Moosejaw. He refused to come because he somehow feels responsible for what happened." There was sadness in Maggie's voice when she said that. 

"Good old Benny, carrying the world on his shoulders one more time." Ray reached out and took hold of Maggie's hand. "Is he okay?" 

"Physically . . . Ben is fit as a fiddle but emotionally . . . he's as lost as a sheep. I haven't been able to get through to him . . . he won't talk to me..." Sobs stopped Maggie from finishing her sentence and Ray scooted closer to wrap an arm around her. "I can't lose them both over this . . . " She was crying now as if she had been holding back her tears from the moment she heard of Stan's death. 

"Shhhh, it's gonna be all right," Ray said in a soothing voice. 

Wiping her tears away, Maggie looked up at Ray and asked, "How is it going to be all right? How do you know?" She was a little defensive and didn't believe his words. 

Ray smiled at her, wiping the tears she had missed away. "Because I'm gonna make sure it is." And only then did Maggie believe him. All she had to do was look into his eyes and she could see that he would make sure everything was going to be all right or at least die trying. "I do care about your brother very much. I know I haven't spoken to him since they left but . . . he is still my best friend." 

"I know Ray and Fraser knows that too." Maggie took in a deep breath and released it slowly in order to calm her nerves down. "Ya know, I didn't know if I should've come here today but I'm glad I did." She placed a kiss on Ray's cheek. "Thank you Ray." 

"I'm glad you came too Maggie." 

* * *

How many times had he made this trip, him going to Canada to help a particular Mountie, four? And out of this now fourth time, how many times had he actually made it to his actual destination? Zilch, no make that one time but even then he had blown Fraser's cabin up with a few grenades. Ray couldn't help but laugh at his thoughts. "Is something amusing Ray?" Maggie asked when she heard his quiet chuckles. 

"Nah, I was just thinking about the last time I was up here in Canada," Ray replied as he buckled his passenger seat belt in Maggie's Jeep. "Whenever I come up here, nothing ever goes right. I just hope this time is different." 

"Have faith Ray, it has to be different. For Ben's sake, we have no choice." Ray nodded at Maggie's words. 

"It's that bad, isn't it?" Ray couldn't even imagine Fraser in such a distraught state. After Victoria, he had been despondent but Ray assumed that her betrayal coupled with being shot by his best friend caused the distant melancholy state of his friend. Now though, now Ray wasn't entirely sure what Fraser was thinking. How could he even believe this horrible accident was his fault? The operative word being accident, an unexpected and undesirable event. He couldn't have prevented it any more than he could prevent the rain from falling or the wind from blowing. It was an event in life that just happens and when it happens, you deal with the good and the bad consequences left in its wake. The good consequence, Fraser was still alive. The bad consequence, Fraser was still alive and Stan was dead. 

"Yes Ray, it is. I just can't seem to get through to him. It took me days to get him to even eat and now . . . now he just wanders around the house not saying a word. The only person he communicates with is Diefenbaker . . . and he's not even a person." Maggie was in despair over the current state of her only brother and was praying her visitation by Stan's ghost was right and that Ray was the answer to her brother's grief. 

"Don't underestimate the wolf, he's good for Fraser. The only constant in his life actually. I'm certain this is only a process he's making himself go through in order to deal with the loss of his friend." Ray didn't believe his own words but he couldn't let Maggie know that. If anything, he wanted to protect his best friend's sister as much as possible. 

"You know Ray, I didn't believe you would actually come back with me," Maggie confessed. 

"Yeah, well . . . I'm not too thrilled about this trip to be honest. Me and Canada don't seem to mix well together but I would do anything for Fraser. He's my one weakness . . . next to coffee." Ray smiled at Maggie and the joked lightened the mood. 

"Thank you Ray." 

* * *

The cabin was dark when Maggie and Ray arrived. There were no outside or inside lights on and for the time of year it was, it was odd not to see smoke coming out of the chimney. Ray carried their baggage as he followed Maggie into the house. When she flipped on the lighting switch in the kitchen, a white ball of fur attacked Ray lovingly and Maggie laughed at the affection displayed by the wolf. 

Ray dropped the bags and stooped down to greet the wolf properly. "Hey Dief," Ray rubbed the scruff of the wolf's neck as he was lavished with licks to the face. "Yeah I know, it's been a long time, I'm sorry." Maggie found it comical that Ray conversed with Diefenbaker in the same manner as her brother, assuming what the wolf was saying in return to their half of the conversation. "I brought you something," Ray said as he reached into his coat pocket and retrieved a zip-lock containing a tasty pastry. Diefenbaker barked in appreciation that his companion's friend didn't forget about him. "Here you go Furface. Now don't ever say I never bring you anything." Ray handed the jelly donut to the wolf who took the pastry and ran into another room to devour his snack in private. 

"He loves you Ray," Maggie said as she turned to start a fire in the fireplace. 

"What?" Ray was caught off guard by her comment assuming she was talking about Fraser. 

"Dief, he loves you," Maggie clarified as she stacked the logs before lighting the fire. There was a chill in the air of the cabin to put it mildly but to Ray it was down and out right freezing. 

"Geez, is it always this cold in here?" Ray asked as he began taking in a survey of the cabin's interior. 

"No, as long as a fire is going, the place is usually quite warm. Fraser must not have noticed the fire go out." Fraser's withdrawn disposition already had Maggie worried but this forgetfulness scared her. 

"Where is Fraser?" Ray asked. 

"He's probably in the guest bedroom where he's usually been. Do you want to see him?" Maggie took off her coat and hung it on a peg by the door. "Do you want to take your coat off?" 

Ray shook his head. "Not just yet. I just came back from Florida so this temperature is like a hundred degrees below to me." Ray shivered slightly in his long wool coat and wrapped his arms around himself. "But yes, I would like to see him now." 

Maggie led Ray down the hallway to the bedrooms. She stopped at the closed door and turned to regard Ray. "This is it . . . don't be surprised if he refuses to talk with you. Just give him time." Maggie turned and left Ray in the hallway. 

Ray didn't know what to expect when he opened the bedroom door. His memories of a strong Mountie were all Ray could think about when his thoughts wandered to Fraser and nothing less. Even in his most downtrodden times Fraser was the strongest man he knew. The lowest Ray had ever seen his best friend was after Victoria's invasion upon his life. He became reclusive and unwilling to care but it only took time, and a little prodding from Ray and a certain physiotherapist to get his butt in gear and back on the road to recovery. Ray wasn't sure he could do it again, bring Fraser back from the depths of hell one more time but he was going to try and he wasn't going to give up until he won the battle. 

When Ray opened the door, the room was dark and he couldn't make out one fixture or piece of furniture within. Nor could he tell if anyone was actually in the room. Instinctually, Ray felt around the inside of the doorway for a light switch and when he flip the switch he found, a light in the center of the room's ceiling illuminated its interior and the figure standing by the window jerked at the light's harsh, sudden brightness. Fraser didn't move other than his initial startle. 

Ray closed the bedroom door behind him and approached Fraser slowly. Fraser was wearing a pair of jeans and a white T'shirt and Ray could almost see his breath in the room for the window Fraser was standing next to was open. Once Ray was standing next to his best friend, he reached up and closed the open window, locking it shut. 

"Benny?" Ray said, turning to look at his friend. Fraser didn't respond nor look in his direction. He just continued to stare out the window at the vast openness that stretched out before him. He looked tired. There were bags under his eyes that told Ray he hadn't slept in days. If Ray didn't know any better, he was quite certain Fraser hadn't been to sleep since the accident. "Benny, you look so tired. Why don't you lay down and try to get some sleep?" The suggestion landed on unhearing ears. 

Ray sighed as he took hold of Fraser's arm and began moving him from the window and towards the bed. Once they were standing next to the bed, Ray pulled down the covers and guided his friend into the bed's warmth. His skin was cold to the touch from standing at the window, Ray knew not for how long. When Fraser was settled in, Ray pulled the covers up and tucked his best friend in tighter than he had ever been tucked before. Ray sat down on the bed and sighed again. "Benny, what am I gonna do with you?" Fraser shifted on the bed and turning his back to Ray. Fraser curled up in the comforters wrapped around him. Ray was glad Fraser was taking refuge in the warmth, it was at least a start. 

"Benny, I'm gonna leave the room now . . . promise me you won't open the window like that again. It is too cold outside for that." Once again, his words were falling on deaf ears and he only could hope Fraser heard and would listen to his request. "I'll be down the hall if you need me, okay?" There was still no indication Fraser was even hearing him and all Ray could assume was he did. Ray got off the bed and headed towards the door and when he exited the room, he left the door open in an effort to warm the room up faster. 

* * *

Ray settled down in his own bed for the night or at least the bed that would be his during his stay in Moosejaw. It was a comfortable bed he noticed, not like anything he expected from a Mountie. Ray just assumed that all Mounties liked sleeping on rock hard, uncomfortable, backbreaking mattresses or floors or grounds or any other uncomfortable surface but now Maggie had changed that perception. Ray was on his back with his hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling when it happened. 

"Hey Vecchio." 

Startled, Ray sat up and turned the light on next to his bed. Squinting into the light, Ray took a startled deep breath and laid back down closing his eyes. "Oh God, please tell me I'm dreaming." 

"Yer not dreaming Ray." 

"Then I have gone completely loony, right?" Ray could only ascertain. 

"Well, some may find that a debatable subject but no, yer not crazy." 

Ray sat back up and looked again towards the person who was in his room. "Then I am awake?" 

"Yes Ray, you are awake," Stan's ghost reassured as he took a seat on Ray's bed. 

"So this is kinda like me seeing my dead father, huh?" 

"Yes Ray, I guess you could say that I'm a ghost. Pretty neat huh?" Stan was looking at Ray and he was saddened by the fact they never had a chance to get to know each other better. Stan knew a lot about Ray from Fraser but Ray didn't know anything about Stan. 

"Pretty weird if ya ask me . . . why are you here? Why are you talking to me?" Ray couldn't believe his luck to be haunted by the ghost of his previous self. Ray had to shake himself out of his thoughts. 

"Because Fraser needs yer help. You have to help him." Stan sounded insistent, trying to get his point across. 

"Listen Kowalski, I don't know if you've noticed or not but I am here in Moosejaw. Why else do you think I'm here, for the weather?" Ray pulled himself out of bed and for lack of anything else to do, he began pacing. 

"No Ray, you have to tell him," Stan clarified his word's meanings. 

Ray stopped pacing and looked at the ghost. "Tell him what?" 

"Ray . . . you know what." 

Ray shook his head and began pacing again. "If you're referring to what I think you're referring to . . . well . . . he doesn't need to know that. It will only make a bad situation even worse." Ray paused a second and turned to look accusingly at Stan. "And how the hell do you know about that anyway?" 

Stan smiled irritatingly at Ray or at least the way he smiled irritated Ray. "Ray, I just know and believe me, he does need to here it." 

"No." Ray was very adamant about the subject. 

"Listen Vecchio, you better do it or else . . . or else somehow . . . someway . . . I will kick you in the head, I promise." Stan's threat was believable. 

"If you think a kick in the head is a threat to me, you're sadly mistaken, Stanley." Ray's pacing brought him to a stop by the only window in the room and he took to staring out at the falling snow. 

"Please don't call me that and be serious here. This isn't a joking matter now. He is very close to the edge," Stan warned as he joined Ray by the window. 

"If you don't think I know that then you've underestimated me my friend." 

"I'm sorry Ray but I'm worried about him . . . this just isn't like Fraser to close up like this." Stan had never seen Fraser do this to himself and it did worry him. He had no idea his friend was this capable of self-sacrifice. 

"It is more like him than you will ever know," Ray commented thinking again back to Victoria. "I'm worried too . . . I will help him Stan, you have my word." Ray turned to regard the ex-Chicago cop's apparition. 

"Thanks Ray, I will be able to rest easier knowing that." 

* * *

Ray meandered his way down the hallway towards the enticing aroma of food. He hadn't realized how hungry he was until he opened his bedroom door and the smells filling his nostrils caused the hunger pangs to strike. When he walked into the kitchen, Maggie was at the stove flipping pancakes. "Good morning Maggie," Ray said as he walked over to the coffee maker and filled one of the cups waiting for him. 

Maggie smiled over her should and greeted Ray for the day. "Good morning Ray, I trust you slept well last night?" Once the last pancake was flipped, she turned carrying the plate with the stack of cakes to the table. 

Ray joined her and sat down. "Yes, I did . . . I had a strange dream but . . . it was nothing." Ray didn't want to alarm Maggie with the possibility of him loosing his mind as well. "Is Fraser up?" 

"No but what ever you did or said to him last night . . . he seems better. He hasn't slept since he got here but he's sleeping now. I think he's slept all night as a matter of fact." Maggie dished a couple pancakes onto Ray's plate then a few to her own. 

"I really didn't do anything . . . he wouldn't even talk to me," Ray said as he poured maple syrup on his pancakes and started eating. He was eating on automatic pilot, just trying to get the food down to stop the hunger pains and to be appreciative towards Maggie for the meal. If he was left on his own, coffee would have been his only consumption of the morning and that wouldn't have been a good thing. "Was the window shut when you went in there?" Ray had to know. 

"Yes, why?" Maggie questioned with a puzzled look on her face. 

"Oh nothing, never mind." Ray continued eating until his plate was cleared which took all but ten minutes. Once he was done and he no longer was experiencing words of warning from his stomach, Ray took his and Maggie's dishes to the sink. "Do you want me to take some breakfast to him?" Ray offered as he poured himself another cup of coffee. 

"If you would like . . . he doesn't really eat . . . or hasn't eaten breakfast since he's been here. I'm lucky to get one meal in him," Maggie commented as she got up to prepare a plate of food for her brother. 

"I'll fix that, don't you worry." Ray took the plate from Maggie and headed towards Fraser's bedroom. 

* * *

Diefenbaker accompanied Ray down the hallway towards Fraser's room. When Ray opened the door, Diefenbaker rushed into the room towards his companion's side. Fraser was sitting on the edge of the bed, his back towards the door and just from his posture, Ray could tell the man was sulking. Diefenbaker placed his head on Fraser's knee and for the first time, Ray saw a reaction come from Fraser. He reached out and scratch behind his wolf's ear and the wolf groaned appreciatively. 

"Hey Benny," Ray stated as he closed the bedroom door behind him. "I brought you some breakfast. I figure you gotta be starving, it's way past you're usual wake up call." Ray set the plate on the bed and waited for a response that didn't come. Fraser kept his back towards his friend and continued petting his wolf. "Benny . . . you do know it's me, Ray." 

"Yes Ray, I know it's you . . . I knew it was you before you opened the door," Fraser finally spoke. 

Ray wasn't expecting any sort of response and was shocked by his friend's words. The only response he had was a question. "How?" 

Ray heard his friend sigh heavily before his answered. "The way you walk . . . the way you breathe." 

Shock again was Ray's reaction. "You could hear me breathing?" 

"Yes Ray." 

"Wow." Ray walked over to the window he had found his friend staring out the night before and checked the lock to make sure it was still fastened and it was. He turned his sights on the snow-covered landscape and it was absolutely breathtaking. He could see so much more than the night before. It seemed like the snow went on for miles and miles or, Ray thought to correct himself, kilometers and kilometers. 

"Ray, why are you here?" 

Ray turned to look at his friend and he was getting tired of holding a conversation with Fraser's back so he walked over and around the bed to stand in front of him. On his way, Ray grabbed a pancake from Fraser's plate and when he was in front of Fraser, Ray enticed Diefenbaker with the breakfast food and it worked like a charm. Diefenbaker was at Ray's side and Ray stooped to feed the pancake to the wolf. "Because Benny . . ." 

Fraser watched Ray feeding Diefenbaker until his wolf had consumed the entire cake and when he looked at Ray, he was staring at him. "Ray . . ." 

"Because it seemed like the right thing to do Benny. Why didn't you come to the funeral? That wasn't like you." Ray continued to pet Diefenbaker while he waited for Fraser's response. 

"Because it was the right thing to do Ray. I didn't belong there." Fraser finally got off the bed to get away from Ray's all knowing and all seeing gaze. No matter how hard Fraser tried to hide his feelings or his thoughts, Ray always seemed to have a way of knowing the truth, just as he always could see the truth in Ray. 

"Benny, you did belong there. Mrs. Kowalski missed seeing you there." Ray stood up and followed Fraser to the window. He didn't understand Fraser's current fascination with looking out it but that wasn't a priority to understand at that moment. 

"Ray, please . . ." 

"Don't you understand how important it was for you to be there . . . to tell a mother about her son's last happy moments . . . to assure her that he was indeed happy." 

"I'm quite certain she wouldn't have wanted me there Ray." Fraser stood looking out the window with his arms crossed against his chest, slowly barricading himself from the outside. 

"Benny, you should have been there to answer her questions, she had a right to know, to understand what happened. No one can do that for her except you." Ray stood next to his friend and watched as he was closing himself off. 

"Ray, there is no way she would want to talk to the person who let her only son die." 

"Fraser!" Ray was stunned at Fraser perception as to the events that caused Stan's death. 

"I did Ray, I just let him die . . ." 

"Fraser, there was nothing you could have done to prevent what happened. Don't you understand that? It was an accident, plain and simple." 

"I could've stopped him . . . somehow . . . I could have taught him more . . . I could've been with him . . ." Fraser's words trailed off when Ray grabbed hold of his friends shoulders in order to turn the Mountie to face him. Ray shook Fraser slightly to get his attention. 

"What, so you both could be dead now? I don't think so. I'm quite certain that is something Kowalski would not have wanted happening." Ray gave Fraser a final shake and let go. 

"But he didn't have a choice now, did he?" Fraser retorted in an annoyed manner. He couldn't believe Ray didn't understand the erroneous act that occurred. 

"Benny, look at me," Ray demanded with no response or movement from Fraser. "Benny, LOOK AT ME!" Fraser turned his eyes in Ray's direction. "Stop blaming yourself. Just because something bad happens doesn't mean it's your fault or that you are responsible. It just happened." 

A seditious laugh escaped Fraser. "You don't understand do you? It is my fault. I caused this to happen, me. Because of you . . ." Fraser stopped what he was about to say abruptly and turned to leave the window. 

Ray grabbed his arm and stopped him. "Because of me what? I had something to do with this? I wasn't even there. Benny, you're not making any sense." 

"Ray, get out. Get out while you still can. I saved you this time but there's no one else I can spare for your life." Fraser's words weren't making any sense and that worried Ray. 

"What?" It was the only thought going through Ray's head to voice. 

"GET OUT!" Fraser became physical and took hold of Ray, shoving him towards the door and out, closing and locking it after him. 

Ray stood in the hallway dumbfounded and at a loss for thought. "Oh God." 

* * *

"Fraser, man, I'm disappointed in you," Stan said as he leaned against the doorframe. 

"Go away." Fraser was lying on his bed with is back to the door. Every visitation he received from this apparition was slowly pushing him to the edge, of what, he wasn't sure. Was he going mad? Was he gaining reality? It all seemed to run together anymore and he couldn't tell the difference. 

"Fraser, don't you understand what happened, what's going on and why?" Fraser didn't respond to the ghost's questions. "Fraser this has all happen for you and you're just gonna throw it all away." 

Fraser sat bolt upright and glared at his friend. "I never asked for this to happen. Please don't say that. I never wanted you dead. I never . . ." Fraser's head slumped forward into his hands as he began sobbing uncontrollably. 

"Fraser, I know you never asked for this, neither did I but I have accepted it . . . I basically had no choice but we have to make the best of this." Stan couldn't believe how logical he was sounding. Fraser must have rubbed off on him during their time together. "Are you listening to me?" 

Fraser's head slowly came up as his sobs subsided. He looked miserable and all Stan could do was lead him to the light of the truth. "Ray . . . how can I accept this?" 

"Fraser, you have to, that's all there is to it. When you mom died, what did you do?" Stan began reasoning with Fraser. 

"I cried." It was a simple answer, the only thing a six-year-old boy could do after his mother died. Stan could handle the simple response. 

"Was it your fault?" 

"No." Another simple answer. 

"When your dad died, what did you do?" 

"I went after his killers and brought them to justice." 

Stan continued with his line of questioning. "Was his death your fault?" 

"No." 

"Then why is my death your fault?" 

"I don't know." Fraser was confused now. The reality and madness were fighting within him. 

Stan moved from his position at the door and sat at the end of the bed. "Is it you're afraid to admit something to someone and that someone being taken away from you eventually too?" There were too many words for the Mountie to process and he gave Ray a quizzical look of confusion. "All right, you said before that you were glad it was me that died and not Ray, why?" 

"He's my best friend . . . my family . . . my security." Fraser took a shuttering breath in and released it. "Ever since my arrival in Chicago, Ray has been there for me and I have been grateful for his support, his caring . . . I depend upon him. I need him." 

Stan could see the lights flickering in Fraser's head but they were dim. Even when Fraser was able to admit something, he could still be so obtuse to the issue at hand. It could irritate a guy if he was subjected to it long enough. "Why do you need him?" 

Fraser shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know . . ." 

"Are you sure you don't know?" 

"Ray . . . can you please leave me alone now?" Fraser asked Stan politely and he agreed to go. 

* * *

The bedroom door opened and its occupant was unaware of the arrival of his visitor. The figure in the bed was sprawled out on his back, blankets strewed across his body and the bed. He usually complained about the cold and Fraser found it odd that Ray's body was only half covered. When Fraser approached the bed, he began straightening the covers and pulled them up to completely cover Ray's body. He didn't know why he was in Ray's bedroom at that late hour but he just felt the need to be there after his visitation from Stan. 

Fraser pulled a chair from the corner of the room to the side of Ray's bed and sat down in order to think, to watch Ray and to wrestle with his inner thoughts. The last time he had seen Ray like this was before he left for Canada, on the trail of his mother's killer, his best friend's assailant and his Father's attempted murder victim. Muldoon was an evil man. He tore Fraser's life apart not just once but twice, taking away his mother at an early age and nearly killing his newly recovered best friend. He had also taken away his father's dignity when a grief stricken widow took out his own revenge and tried to exact Muldoon's own violence on the murderer. In the end, Fraser found the criminal and as his father insisted the motto was, he did get his man and he brought him in to justice. 

Yes, the last time he had seen Ray like this was in a hospital, after a failed surgery to remove the bullet he had taken for his best friend once again. Before Fraser went on that long journey to find Muldoon, pulling a reluctant Stan Kowalski along, he made a promise or a deal with the fates. It was a simple deal, a deal everyone had made at least once in his or her life. It was a "you do this and I'll do that" kind of deal. Fraser's deal was, if you save Ray's life, I will leave Chicago, I will leave Ray and he will be safe. It was a simple deal but Fraser couldn't foresee the future of what was to happen. He never thought that far ahead. The deal was made in the now and the future, well, that was just another time to worry about on another day. As long as Ray was all right, that was all he cared about. 

Fraser's thoughts were stopped when he heard the rustling of Ray's covers. Ray had turned from his back onto his side and he was now facing Fraser, curled up tightly in his blankets. Fraser could see a frown displayed on his friend's face and didn't understand how that could be when he was in such a peaceful state. Oh, but then he remembered the worry in his friend's voice when they last spoke and how rude he had been towards Ray. How had things gotten so confusing? 

Fraser had his forehead resting in the heels of his hands when he heard his name. "Benny?" 

Fraser startled from his thoughts as he lifted his head and focused on his friend. "Yes Ray." 

Ray sat up in the darkness, rubbed his eyes and yawned. "What are you doing in here?" 

"I was thinking Ray," Fraser replied, not moving from his spot. 

"Here, in the dark? Is this like a closet thing for you?" Ray asked. He made the joke not thinking clearly, still in a groggy state of alertness and only hoped Fraser wouldn't take offense to it. 

The joke received a chuckle, a genuine happy chuckle and the first Ray had heard from his friend since his arrival in Moosejaw. "I suppose it is Ray." 

Ray shook himself to wake up more fully. "Do you mind if I turn on the light?" 

"No, I don't mind Ray." At Fraser's permission, Ray turned the bedside lamp on. The light from the lamp wasn't as bright as the actually bedroom light so it didn't take long for either man's eyes to adjust. 

When they could see clearly, they just sat and looked at each other. This was the first normal conversation they had had since Ray arrived and he didn't want to spoil it. "What were you thinking about Benny?" 

It was the hardest thing for him to do, sitting and talking with Ray. Their conversations use to flow so freely, like the currents of a river. Sometimes their words became terse towards one another but they always seemed to find peace and understanding in the end. "Do you realize how long it's been since we last saw each other?" Fraser asked. 

Ray frowned at the thought of their time apart. "Yeah Benny, I know, way too long. You had me worried there, ya know?" Ray moved to the side of the bed to sit facing Fraser with his legs dangling over the edge. 

"Worried?" Fraser questioned. 

"Yeah worried, can't a friend worry about another friend? Why wouldn't I worry?" Even though Ray was becoming annoyed with Fraser's ignorance of his feelings, he didn't show his irritation. 

"I don't know Ray, I guess that is understandable . . . Ray, why did you come here?" 

"Benny . . ." Ray paused a moment before he continued. "Benny, you needed me, that's why I came." 

Fraser took in a quivering breath and said, "I miss him Ray." 

Ray got off the bed and kneeled in front of Fraser, pulling his friend into a comforting embrace as the quivering intake of breath spread to a shaking body. "You should miss him Benny, he was your partner . . . your friend . . . you should miss him . . ." 

Fraser's own arms were wrapped tightly around Ray's shoulders as if he was struggling to stay afloat. "I missed you too Ray . . . did you miss?" 

"God Benny, every day." The tremors from Fraser's body seemed to spread into Ray's as they both held on, remaining connected until their fears calmed. 

"Ray, have you ever felt responsible for something yet deep down you knew you weren't but even deeper you still thought you were?" Fraser pulled away to look at his friend when he responded to his question. When Ray did, there were tears in his eyes. 

"Oh Benny . . . yes, I have felt that way before." There was no way for Ray to keep his tears from falling and he knew that he needed to be the strong one for his friend but he couldn't help it. They simply fell, and when Fraser saw them, he reached up and wiped them away. Ray smiled at the kind gesture. 

"Ray, why are you crying?" Ray stared into Fraser eyes for the longest time before he had the courage to answer that question. "Ray?" 

"Ah Benny . . ." Ray got up from his crouched position and moved away. He moved anywhere so he didn't have to look into Fraser's eyes. His chosen destination was the window and while concentrating on the falling snow, Ray answered his question. "I feel this is all my fault. I mean, if you really think about it . . . go back far enough and trace the trail of events that led to this point . . . it's me. I'm the one to blame, not you Benny." 

"Ray, I don't understand." Fraser got up and walked over to stand next to his friend. 

Unable to keep himself, Ray looked at his friend again, and it hurt. "Don't you see? If I hadn't gone undercover, he never would have been here. You never would have met him. It would be me you were with." 

"Ray, don't you think I know that? I would have died if this had happened to you." That statement got Ray's attention and he was once again staring into his friend's eyes, speechless. Immediately realizing the error he made, Fraser moved away from Ray and headed to the door. Ray couldn't stop his retreat. He was powerless to prevent Fraser from leaving and powerless to move his own body. All he could do was watch as the door closed and after it did, his body crumbled to a sobbing mess on the floor. 

* * *

"Well, aren't you going to help them?" The elder of the ghosts asked in an obvious incredulous tone. 

"What do you want me to do? A matchmaker I ain't. Why don't you go talk some sense into that stubborn son of yours?" Stan asked Fraser Sr., being fed up with the responsibility placed upon his shoulders. 

"He never really listened to me before so it's highly unlikely he'd start now, it would be pointless," Fraser Sr. replied. "Plus, you know as well as I do I can't talk to him." 

"Yeah, yeah, 'the rules.' I can't believe we're dead and there are still 'rules' we have to abide by," Stan said as he paced in front of the dead Mountie. 

"Listen Yank, without rules there would be chaos and where would that leave us?" Stan shrugged his shoulders in response to Fraser Sr.'s logic. "Dead or alive, we must have rules in order to exist. I am here to assist you in your journey and nothing more." 

"Now I know where Fraser gets his logical side from," Stan muttered under his breath as he came to a stop, standing over Ray's disheveled body. 

"What's that Yank?" 

"Never mind . . . so you can't talk to Fraser right?" Fraser Sr. nodded. "Are those the only 'rules' you have to abide by here?" 

Fraser Sr. pondered the question then asked, "What are you getting at Yank?" 

A gleaming smile appeared on the former detective's face as he wrapped an arm around his new friend's shoulder. "I think you and I need a little strategy session." 

* * *

"Hey Yank . . . Yank . . . can you hear me Yank? I am speaking to you . . ." Fraser Sr. was standing next to the bed Ray's body was sprawled out on. When Ray didn't respond to him, Fraser Sr. sat down next to him and tried again. "Listen to me Ray, I know you can hear me . . ." 

Ray popped his head up to take in the image sitting next to him and he nearly jumped out of his skin. "Who are you?" Ray crawled his way to a sitting position at the opposite end of the bed. "Who are you and why are you here and how do you know my name?" 

When their eyes met, there was a look of trepidation staring back at Fraser Sr. and he smiled in an effort to calm the easily irritated Italian. "My name is Robert but you can call me Bob if you'd like. All my friend's call me Bob." 

Ray didn't return the friendly smile. He was quite leery of the situation he was experiencing yet he wasn't really surprised by it either. He always found himself in odd situations whenever Fraser was involved so what would make this day any different. "I am assuming you are a friend of Stan's, correct?" Fraser Sr. nodded his response. "And it would be safe for me to also assume that you are dead as well?" 

"You catch on quick for a Yank," Fraser Sr. commented. 

"So now I'm being visited by a ghost named Bob . . . how is this my life?" Ray ran his hands over his shorn head and sighed. 

"Ray . . . you have to help my son." It was a desperate plea from a caring and worried father. 

"Your son? What am I, every single ghost's knight in shining armor? I can't help everyone mister. Today I can help one person and one person alone and that person is Fraser. Anyone else is just gonna have to wait in line," Ray said as he got off the bed and began his characteristic pacing. 

"I know Ray and I am grateful that you are here to help him." 

"Who, your son?" Ray stopped and gave the visiting ghost a dissatisfied look. 

"Yes." 

"I told you, I'm not here to help your son, okay? I don't even know who you are," Ray snipped as he picked up his pacing where he had stopped. 

"Ray, my name is Robert Fraser, I'm Ben's dad." The words Fraser Sr. spoke stopped Ray in his tracks. 

From where he stood, Ray turned to get a better look at the man who was Fraser's father. "You're Bob Fraser?" Fraser Sr. smiled and nodded. "The 'I came to Chicago on the trail of my father's killer' Bob Fraser?" 

"Yes, and you son are Ray Vecchio. It is a pleasure to finally meet you but I must tell you I've met you before . . . it's nice to actually get to talk to you finally." The look on Fraser Sr.'s face was of true contentment. 

Ray swallowed hard before he could speak. "Likewise Sir," Ray said with respect. He stood in his spot for the longest time just looking at his friend's father. Of all the years that had passed and all the stories that had been told about this one man, it never really prepared Ray for this first meeting. "Man this is weird." 

Fraser Sr. chuckled at Ray's reaction. "I must agree with you Yank, it is very odd." 

"So why am I seeing you now? Where's Stan?" Ray asked still a little shaken by all these ghostly visitations but adjusting slowly. Ray actually was praying that his own father wasn't going to be added to the list of ghosts he would be seeing during this trip. The elder Vecchio was the one person Ray did not want to deal with at that moment. 

"Don't worry son, he won't be showing up here anytime soon," Fraser Sr. reassured and then smiled at the startled look on Ray's face. 

"How did you . . . wait . . . no, I don't even want to know." A defeated Ray walked back to the bed and sat down but he still kept his distance from the ghostly figure. 

"Suit yourself . . ." Ray rolled his eyes at the annoying response. "Ray, you must talk to Ben about . . . well about . . . you know . . ." Ray sat still, looking at Fraser's dad and waited for him to actually say what he couldn't seem to get passed his lips. "Now come on, you know." Fraser Sr. made a gesture with his hands that neither he nor Ray understood but he felt it had said everything that needed to be said. 

Ray was the one smiling now. "Yes, I know but can you accept it?" 

"I am here, aren't I? I wouldn't be here if I was against it, you know?" It was Fraser Sr.'s turn to get off the bed and pace. 

"Really?" It was a disbelieving voice that came from Ray. 

Fraser Sr. turned to look at the man who cared about his son more that he himself would ever be able to conceive. "Listen Ray, my son does care about you . . . and if that is what will make him happy then so be it. Who am I to stand in the way?" 

The words he heard were mind boggling. They were words he never thought he would hear a father say or at least his own father. It was a comforting thought that there was at least one, no make that two ghosts that approved. "Okay, okay, I believe you. I will talk to Fraser." 

"Oh, and Ray, when you do, would you please tell my son that Caroline and I will look after the Yank. He does worry about him more than he should." 

Ray chuckled at the request. "Sure Sir, I will tell him." 

* * *

This time it was Ray sneaking into his friend's room but be knew no matter how quiet he was, Fraser would detect there was someone there and that he was that someone. When Ray closed the bedroom door behind him as he entered, Diefenbaker jumped off the bed to greet him. Ray crouched down to appease the overly affectionate wolf. He tried to fend off the onslaught of wolf drool drenched licks but his strength was no match against Diefenbaker's determination. It was only when Diefenbaker was satisfied he had given his friend a proper greeting that he let Ray rise. 

"Ray, could you just leave me alone?" Fraser asked from his huddled position on the bed. 

"No Benny, I can't. You and me, we have to talk," Ray said as he crossed the room to stand next to the side of the bed Fraser's back was turned to. 

"I don't think there is anything we need to discuss Ray." 

"Well, you may not have anything to say but I sure do and you're gonna listen. Do you understand?" Ray sat down on the bed, facing the headboard in order to keep Fraser in his line of vision. 

Fraser didn't respond so Ray could only assume they were in agreement. Ray released a sigh before he began. "When I accepted the undercover assignment, it was months before . . . " Ray's incomplete sentence caused Fraser to roll onto his back and his movement's had Ray's eyes focusing on his own blue ones. 

"Oh God Benny, I had no clue . . . I couldn't even fathom the notion . . . " Ray stopped himself again in order to gain control over his emotions. He started over again. "When I accepted that assignment, I had no idea we would become lovers . . . well, not so much lovers, seeing we never even slept in the same bed together but we would have, had I stuck around . . . wouldn't we've?" 

Fraser nodded his head as he responded. "Yes Ray, I believe so." 

Ray looked away nodding his head as well. "Yeah . . . I thought so . . . I knew so . . . " He made eye contact with Fraser again and offered him a shy, remorseful smile. "I'm so sorry Benny." 

"There is no reason for you to apologize Ray, you did what you had to do. I wouldn't have expected anything more or less." 

"Don't you think I know that? That's the problem, you're not selfish enough to have wanted me to stay but I expected that from you. You could be hurting and you wouldn't say a word. It would be business as usual even with a gaping whole in your heart." Ray sighed as he looked down at his clasped hands sitting in his lap. "Ya know Benny, I do still love you." Ray didn't know what kind of response he expected if any but he had to tell him. That is what the apparitions had been saying he needed to tell Fraser. 

"No Ray . . ." 

"Yes Benny, I love you and I know you still love me but I can't figure out what's going on in that head of yours." Ray watched as Fraser rose to sit on the edge of his bed with his back to Ray. 

"Ray, you can't . . . we can't . . ." 

"Why not Benny? I don't understand." 

"Ray, I can't lose you." 

"Benny you're not . . . " Ray stopped his denial when he realized what Fraser was really afraid of. "Do you think . . . do you think just because we are together something is gonna happen to me?" The lack of a response confirmed Ray's theory behind Fraser's behavior. "Oh Benny." Ray climbed fully onto the bed and moved to kneel behind Fraser. Ray wrapped his arms around Fraser's upper torso and hugged him from behind. "Benny, nothing is gonna happen to me." 

Fraser relaxed in the embrace and relished in the warmth of the body behind him. The self - indulgence didn't last long as Fraser began struggling to get loose from Ray's hold. "Ray please . . . " 

"No Benny, you must understand that nothing is gonna keep me from you." 

"You don't know that Ray. Can you promise me that nothing will happen to you?" 

Ray released his hold of Fraser only to climb around and stand in front of him. "Benny, you are such a doubting Thomas ya know." Ray had his hands resting on his hips in an annoyed stance. "You know I can't guarantee that. I could get lost in a snowdrift out here and freeze to death tomorrow but I'm not planning on it. I can't control our fates but I can say that as long as I have air to breathe, I will be by your side, if you'll let me." The ball was in Fraser court now. 

"I don't know . . ." 

"Listen to me Benny, you couldn't control what happened to Stan any more than you could control what happened to me. I left on that assignment not because fate had it in for you; it was just life and an opportunity; that was it. Stan, his fate was just bad luck; that is all. There was nothing you could do to prevent it no matter how many different ways you think the scenario through. It was his time to go, end of story." Ray could see the tears dripping from Fraser's eyes and he felt a little guilty over his choice of words. Ray reached out and took hold of both of Fraser's hands in his own. "Benny I'm sorry . . ." 

Fraser made his first gesture of affection towards Ray by raising the hands that gripped his own and kissed them. Fraser then held them against his cheek. "Ray I love you so much it hurts sometimes." 

Ray loosened one of his hands to run it through the strands of Fraser's hair. "I know Benny but it's a good kind of hurt. I loved you when I left on that assignment and it hurt. I loved you when I left, I loved you when I returned and I still love you now. Nothing can ever change that." 

Distressed eyes looked at Ray as Fraser asked, "Why didn't you tell me?" 

Ray gave Fraser a wan smile. "I don't know. When I got back, so much was going on around us we really didn't have time to discuss what was going on between us. After I got shot . . . it was more important for you to go after Muldoon than mull around Chicago, ya know?" 

"But you could have said something . . . " 

"No Benny, I couldn't." Ray turned his head away. "I was in a place, mentally, I didn't like so much. There were so many things I needed to work through . . . to let go of who I was pretending to be. Do you realize how hard it was for me to eventually let go of Armondo Langostini?" 

"Yes Ray, I do." 

Ray turned his attention back to Fraser. "How?" 

"It was probably just as hard as it was for me to let you go. Have you been able to let go of Armondo Langostini?" 

"Yes Benny," Ray replied with relief. "Have you really let go of me?" 

". . . no . . . I don't know how to let you go." 

Ray's face reflected his hopefulness in the possibilities. "Then we can start where we left off or actually never really got started." 

"No Ray." 

"Why not?" 

"Because . . . I've made a promise . . ." 

"A promise . . . a promise to who, about what?" 

"To God . . . the fates . . . a higher being . . . " 

"I don't understand." 

"When you were shot . . . when Muldoon shot you, I prayed to God. For the first time in my life I prayed to God, begging him to spare your life. I couldn't bear living a life without you. Even if we were thousands of miles away, just knowing you were alive and safe was enough for me. I promised to leave you . . ." 

Ray assumed a kneeling position in front of Fraser taking hold of both his hands again. "Oh Benny, I'm quite certain God or whoever up above had nothing to do with me surviving . . . well, God did have something to do with that but I don't think your promise was taken very seriously." 

"Ray . . ." 

Ray stifled Fraser's protest with his fingers on his lips. "No listen, do you really think he expects you to keep your promise?" 

"Yes I do Ray." 

"Benny, have you ever heard the story about Abraham and his son Isaac?" Fraser nodded his head. "Well, then you know God asked him to sacrifice his only son and Abraham promised he would but before he actually sacrificed his son, God stopped him. The fact that Abraham was willing to abide by God's command was enough proof so he didn't have to go through with his promise. The fact that you were willing to give up something that important to you I believe was proof enough for God or who ever that he should help you and me." 

"Ray, how can you be so certain?" 

"Trust me Benny, just trust me. You do trust me don't you?" 

"With my life." 

"But do you think you can trust me for the rest of your life?" "I know so." 

Ray stood up, releasing his hold of Fraser's hands. "Good cause I already know what it's like to live without you, it's hell and I don't want to experience that again any time soon, capise?" 

"Understood Ray." 

Ray yawned and stretched expressing his exhaustion. "I think we better get some sleep Benny. It's gonna be morning before we know it." Ray turned and began walking to the bedroom door. 

"Ray?" 

Ray looked back at Fraser who was standing next to the bed looking as if he was too shy to ask his question. "Yeah Benny?" 

Fraser cleared his throat before continuing. "You could stay here if you'd like . . . only if you'd like . . ." 

Ray donned a radiant smile as he headed back to Fraser and pulled him into a solacing embrace. "Benny, I would like nothing better." 

When Ray crawled in bed next to his soon to be lover, their bodies snuggled together as they were always meant to be. Fraser's arms reached around Ray as if he was latching on for dear life and Ray returned his hold with soothing strokes down his back until he felt the body in his arms go lax with sleep. 

This neediness in Fraser was new to Ray but he'd been through quite an ordeal in the past year and a half. He lost a best friend and lover. He gained a new partner and friend. He regained his best friend and lover to just lose him all over again. He lost his new partner and friend for good. There was only so much a body could take before it broke and now only time would be able to mend his wounds; time and the love and support of a devoted Italian. 

* * *

It was late when Maggie finally rose for the day, 7:30am was just way too late for a Mountie to rise whether it was a workday or not. Maggie had finally gotten a good night's sleep, the first since Stan's death and her brother's downward spiral into depression and self loathing. Ray's arrival in Moosejaw seemed to mark the upturn of that spiral. 

Maggie tied her robe tighter as she passed Ray's bedroom door. The door was open and when she looked in, his bed was empty. It was then that she heard the noises echoing down the hallway from the kitchen. Surprise was her first response at the thought of the Italian attempting to make breakfast for them but that changed to plain thankfulness that she didn't have to take care of that chore today. 

Maggie continued on her way towards the kitchen. On her way to the kitchen was her brother's closed bedroom door. Another aspect Maggie was thankful to Ray for was the man's ability to get her brother to sleep. Fraser had been on his fourth or fifth straight night of no sleep by the time she returned to Moosejaw with Ray. He had her brother sleeping in no time that first night and every night since. 

Maggie proceeded passed Fraser's bedroom not wanting to disturb his much needed sleep. She was yawning herself as she entered the kitchen, her eyes still a little droopy with sleep. "Good morning Ray," Maggie greeted as she headed straight for the coffeepot. 

"Good morning Maggie," her greeting was returned as the chef for the morning turned to face her. 

Maggie whirled around so quickly, she nearly spilled her coffee. "Ben?" 

Fraser was standing next to the stove and he smiled. "Hello Maggie." 

"Oh Ben," Maggie repeated his name again as she set her coffee mug down and moved towards her brother to give him a great big hug. It was a hug she had wanted to give and receive since the accident but was denied. Once again she was grateful to Ray for giving her family back to her. "Ben it's so good to see you." 

Returning the desperate hug, Fraser smiled. "It's good to see you to Maggie. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you when you need me most . . ." 

"Shhh, that's all right Ben. I'm just glad I've got you back. I don't know what I would've done if I lost both of you over this." Maggie released her hold of Fraser and straightened his shirt. "Where's Ray? He wasn't in his room when I passed. Is he taking a shower?" Maggie asked as she turned to pick up her coffee mug. 

"Ah . . . he's in my room Maggie." 

"Your room, why your room? Did he not like his own?" Maggie asked as she moved towards the kitchen table. 

"No, he was quite comfortable with his room . . . but . . ." 

Standing next to the kitchen table, Maggie fixed her attention on her brother and was surprised to see him blushing. "Ben, just tell me what's going on." 

"Maggie, you should probably sit down. We need to talk." Fraser said as he carried their breakfast plates to the table and sat down himself. 

* * *

It may not have been "his" bed but the sight of Ray lying so peacefully, sleeping in what had been his bed for the past week stirred feelings deep within Fraser he had yet to fully understand. He knew he loved this man with his entire being but beyond that, he was an amateur with the state of love. 

Ray was only the second person Fraser had truly loved in his life. The first was a criminal who nearly stole his soul and ruined his life. Fraser didn't love the person Victoria was rather the person he thought she could've been. It was wrong for him to expect her to be something she wasn't just as it was wrong for her to expect Fraser to give his life up for her. Sometimes love makes people do crazy things. Love can cause people to make wrong decisions and yet love can do all the right things too. 

Ray was the right choice in Fraser's mind. Ray accepted Fraser for who he was, never expecting him to change. Ray loved Fraser for the person he was not the person he could be. Fraser loved Ray equally as well. They were two people who were so different but in their differences they were the same. 

As Fraser sat on the side of the bed watching Ray sleep, his preferred viewing object began to stir. Ray's eyes fluttered open and he slowly oriented himself with his surroundings. It wasn't the room he had become accustomed to waking in but there was a familiarity within its confines and when Ray's eyes locked on that familiarity, he smiled. "Mornin' Benny." 

Ray received a blushed tinted smile in return. "Good morning Ray. I trust you slept well?" 

"I slept great, what time is it?" Ray asked as he sat up and stretched in an effort to wake up more fully. 

"It's going on nine o'clock." Fraser's eyes were fixed on Ray as if he was seeing him for the very first time. It was an intense stare; one Ray couldn't ignore. 

"Is something wrong Benny?" 

The question brought Fraser back to the present. "No Ray, nothing is wrong. Why would anything be wrong?" 

Ray shrugged his shoulders and responded. "I don't know, you tell me. You were the one looking at me as if you'd never seen me before." 

"Well, I haven't." 

"What, Benny are you all right? You're not suffering a bout of amnesia agian are you?" Ray was confused by Fraser's response and a little panicked. 

"Yes Ray I'm fine and no I'm not suffering from amnesia. It's just . . . well . . . I've seen you as my partner, my friend and my brother but this morning . . . " This new version of Ray was causing Fraser to be a bit shy with the matter at hand. 

Ray knew what Fraser was trying to say and finished his statement. "This morning you are seeing me as a lover for the first time." 

Fraser nodded his head. "Ray?" 

"Yeah Benny?" 

"Ray, I want . . ." 

"What do you want Benny?" 

"I want to kiss you." Fraser shifted his weight in order to lean closer to Ray. His hands came up to cup each side of Ray's face as Ray slipped his own arms around Fraser. 

Before their lips could meet, Ray nervously asked a question. "Benny . . . have you ever done this before?" 

"Ray, I think you should know I've never kissed you before." Fraser smirked at the annoyed look on Ray's face. "If you are asking if I've ever kissed a man before, no." 

A look of relief donned Ray's face and he relaxed his hold of Fraser. "Good, then there are no expectations I have to . . . " 

This time the Italian's words were cut off when the Canadian's lips pressed against his. The pressure on his mouth had Ray trembling from the inside and his arms tightened their hold. He didn't want it to stop. He never wanted to let go. Ray's lips parted instinctively and he willingly received his lover's exploring tongue. 

An oxygen deficiency was the only reason they parted but they didn't let go. The palms of Ray's hands rested flat against Fraser's shoulder blades and his head was on Fraser's left shoulder. Fraser's right hand was caressing the back of Ray's neck while the other was wrapped around his waist. 

"Benny . . . I have something I have to tell you." 

"Yes Ray." 

Ray straightened up to look Fraser in the eyes. "You are gonna think I'm nuts or totally out of my mind but I promised some one I would tell you . . . " 

"What is it Ray?" 

"It's your dad . . . he . . ." 

"You've seen my dad?" The confession surprised Fraser and made him feel a little left out of the loop. Now, not only had Stan seen his dad but Ray too! "What did he say?" 

Ray smiled at the thought Fraser understood what had happened. "He told me to tell you that he and Caroline would look after the Yank." 

Fraser pulled Ray back to him in a thankful hug. "Ray?" 

"Yeah Benny?" 

"I want to go home." 

* * *

The moment they were in the house Ray led Fraser up the stairs and to his bedroom. Luckily for them it was after midnight and everyone had already gone to bed. Any questions Mrs. Vecchio would have could be answered in the morning and then the pampering would begin. Ray was stretched out across his bed sleeping. The trip had taken a lot out of him, more than he had realized. Fraser stood next to the bed for a moment taking in his relaxed features and once he had satisfied his protective nature over this man who was now his lover, Fraser turned to stand by the bedroom window. 

Life was surely different in Chicago, he realized that his first day in this town, was it four years ago? Time had passed by too quickly for Fraser. Was it four years since his father's death? Was it five years since he first met his best friend and lover? Was it four years since he was exiled from his home? It just didn't seem like it was that long ago. And then had it actually been only six months since he last saw his father? Had it only been six months ago when he and Stan went off on their adventure? 

Fraser shook himself out of his melancholy state and pulled a journal out of his back pocket. It was worn from the multitude of times it had been read but Fraser never tired of reading the words of his father. At times they could make him laugh and at time they could make him cry. Other time they inform him on the things he had missed in life. This particular journal had a passage Fraser had come to cherish and the journal opened directly to the page in question. 

They were words written about Robert Fraser's best friend and partner Buck Frobisher. His father's words summed up his own feelings towards the man sleeping in the room with him. "There's a very easy way to define friendship. A friend is someone who won't stop until he finds you and brings you home." 

* * *

Fraser Sr. wrapped an arm around the younger man's shoulders to lead him out of the room. "Come on Yank, it's time for us to go. Caroline will be worried if we are late." 

Stan took one last look at his friend and partner and let himself be lead from the only life he knew. "So what's it like up there?" Stan asked being ever so inquisitive. 

"Oh you'll like it son, trust me. Tomorrow we'll look into getting you an office." 

"An office, what the hell would I do with an office?" 

"You can take care of your taxes, personal memoirs or you could catch up on your paperwork." 

"Paperwork, I hate paperwork." 

"Come, come now, everyone has to do their part." 

"There's paperwork in heaven? Are you sure it's heaven we're goin' to cause if ya ask me that sounds like . . . " 

"Hey, watch it now. It's not as bad as it sounds son, you'll see." The two ghosts carried on their conversation as they disappeared on their way down the Vecchio upstairs hallway. 

The End 


End file.
